oh so not heartful day ~

what do i really want? am i going to just let the words "i dunno" stalk me the rest of my life ? hm. it wasn't that great of a day today. woke up feeling not so great, n just .. kinda off > bii". i feel it's okay to still call him that. even tho ... i kinda put him & i "on hold" until he comes back.

i can't exactly put my finger on it, (the being sick doesn't really help me think clearly either), but just now ... playing piano, i like it when u get to feel your emotions through the song, n just throw it all into the playing. even if u're playing a very easy song, you can just put all your feelings and thoughts into it, n like ... everything around you will just disappear for that very moment. just be like .. *slurped* into the world of music ... & perhaps, peace.

am i just expecting too much out of my conversations? how can i confide in u, if a normal friend can understand me & know what to say in response to me, yet u try to say sweet things at clearly, inappropriate times. well rather not inappropriate, but just ... it's not really a right response, nor does it really make sense ? yea sure, it's sweet, but u're just taking the meaning out of all our special code words. n it's starting to mean nothing.

other times, i can say somehting, n try n tell u the problem, but do u really understand? cuz ur response seems way off, like not a valid solution if we're talking about a problem. n if u really don't understand me, that's okay, try asking ?

n i really wanna know how you feel. honestly. might be hard for u to tell me, but make me believe it, cuz i don't know what to think of it all anymore. i'm lost.
half of me didn't wanna put us "on hold". but perhaps, this way, at least we can try & enjoy the rest of our summer.

after our talk, when i was playing piano, i felt ... pain, like why did i do it? was it the right thing? it hurted n hurts. but ... i wanna CRY "we'll see" i guess.
hm. that was sorta a blurb from deep down, mainly for him. but always easier to just put ur thoughts out in front of u.

i just want apples, deep down, it might be all i want. (; sweet & delicious right? heh. maybe apples are suppose to be my favorite fruit (:
yep, indeed.
...let's the music drown me out...