droplet 3
wow, has it been awhile. Tomorrow is the last diploma i will ever have to write, hopefully. yes the english one, the one i dread most and it is the multiple choice reading one. I HOPE I DO WELL ... i mean it has always been my weakest point, but if i don't pass this course, i can't get into university so i really need to pass this exam tomorrow. we even planned for a whole day of fun after our exam in the morning so i hope i get lots of sleep tonight and hope for a good day tomorrow.
i feel like my summer is going to a total waste, i mean yea there was a bbq a few days ago i gotta admit it was nice to get out. but yet again i'm in my "so out of it stage" i feel like i'm sucha outsider to my friends because they're all in this club and i'm not. i only have myself to blame, i mean why did i quit in the first place? sigh* i have no idea what i want to do with my summer...i just hope i find something soon, so my parents won't nag me about going to work. i wish a job would just find me... and a good one too instead of me having to go find it >< lol . sounds like it's too good to be true =c
today, we ran out of rice yet again, we finished the last of it. and my mom yells at me for not having told my dad earlyier so he can go buy more rice. okay so i forgot, my bad i'm sorry... and well she didn't let it end at that. i come down for dinner and she yells at me, "why din't you tell me when u were making it? i could've added the other kind of rice!" (honestly i dont' like the other kind of rice but yea...that's not the point here) well so when she was all like "i hope there's enough."
i said "who cares." and she heard me and well i wasn't giving her that much attitude..
then she says "NOT WHO CARES! and what do u do at home all day? nothing. you just sit around blah blah"
i sat there and just tried to ignore it all and keep my calm. i mean what else could i do? if i talked back she'll just give me another talk about how back when she was 14 she never ever talked back to her mom ever, even if she was right. I wanted to scream I'M NOT YOU ! but i kept it inside... i have no right to be mad to be angry... i am of chinese culture and respecting parents is the most important thing in our culture.
i'm just, i really can't stand it though. i feel so hypocritical or "mao tun" i dont' know what to do. i know that i can't hate her because she's my mom and took care of me for so many years. she's given me so much... yet i say i hate her all the time. but deep down i love her. i don't know what to do =c . the world is just too confusing of a place for me.
so i just sit there quietly...i wish i could just go through my life being someone who doesn't talk... now for being someone who talks a lot, that's saying a lot. in front of my parents, i just lose myself altogether.
i really hope i can pull myself together soon. and find that purpose in life... i'm so lost >< style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255); font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">sorry" and i totally understand. i know i'm wrong and i can be a better daughter but when you want to mend things , at least do the right thing. you're my mom doesn't mean you don't need to say "sorry".
It's amazing what one little word like "sorry" can do.
it's like a big knot in my heart, i feel like majority of the time, my mom doesn't know what i feel and think deep down inside. i feel like i'm constantly wearing a mask...maybe because i don't know how to express myself in words yet...
WELL ...with all that said...back to studying ><
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